The stars shined upon the Ivy League schools this gradÂuÂaÂtion seaÂson. Tom HanÂks at Yale, Amy Poehler at HarÂvard, DenÂzel WashÂingÂton at U Penn. These kids have it good, but nowhere near as good as the DartÂmouth grads. This weekÂend, Conan O’Brien rolled into Hanover, New HampÂshire and dished out plenÂty of jokes:
ParÂents, if your child majored in fine arts or phiÂlosÂoÂphy, you have good reaÂson to be worÂried. The only place where they are now realÂly qualÂiÂfied to get a job is ancient Greece. Good luck with that degree.
You know, New HampÂshire is such a speÂcial place. When I arrived I took a deep breath of this crisp New EngÂland air and thought, “Wow, I’m in the state that’s next to the state where Ben and JerÂry’s ice cream is made.”
To this day I canÂnot help but wonÂder: What if I had gone to DartÂmouth? If I had gone to DartÂmouth, I might have spent at least some of my colÂlege years outÂside and today I might not be allerÂgic to all plant life, as well as most types of rock. If I had gone to DartÂmouth, right now I’d be wearÂing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong… If I had gone to DartÂmouth, I’d have a livÂer the size and conÂsisÂtenÂcy of a bean bag chair. FinalÂly, if I had gone to DartÂmouth, today I’d be getÂting an honÂorary degree at HarÂvard. ImagÂine how aweÂsome that would be.
And a litÂtle wisÂdom for life, which, honÂestÂly, holds entireÂly true.
For decades, in show busiÂness, the ultiÂmate goal of every comeÂdiÂan was to host The Tonight Show. It was the Holy Grail, and like many peoÂple I thought that achievÂing that goal would define me as sucÂcessÂful. But that is not true. No speÂcifÂic job or career goal defines me, and it should not define you. In 2000—in 2000—I told gradÂuÂates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disÂapÂpointÂment will come. The beauÂty is that through disÂapÂpointÂment you can gain clarÂiÂty, and with clarÂiÂty comes conÂvicÂtion and true origÂiÂnalÂiÂty.
Many of you here today are getÂting your diploÂma at this Ivy League school because you have comÂmitÂted yourÂself to a dream and worked hard to achieve it. And there is no greater clichĂ© in a comÂmenceÂment address than “folÂlow your dream.” Well I am here to tell you that whatÂevÂer you think your dream is now, it will probÂaÂbly change. And that’s okay. Four years ago, many of you had a speÂcifÂic vision of what your colÂlege expeÂriÂence was going to be and who you were going to become. And I bet, today, most of you would admit that your time here was very difÂferÂent from what you imagÂined. Your roomÂmates changed, your major changed, for some of you your sexÂuÂal oriÂenÂtaÂtion changed. I bet some of you have changed your sexÂuÂal oriÂenÂtaÂtion since I began this speech. I know I have. But through the good and espeÂcialÂly the bad, the perÂson you are now is someÂone you could nevÂer have conÂjured in the fall of 2007.
You can find the comÂplete tranÂscript of the speech here. And don’t miss Conan’s visÂit to Google last sumÂmer, which was full of good laughs…